Life After Loss
It has been over 6 months since our baby girl gained her wings. 180 days. A whole half of a year without her here with us every minute of every single day. We have had an outpouring amount of love an support from people near and far.
I wanted to start writing as a way to reach other people, maybe give some insight on our healing and maybe help other who might be feeling some pain.
So many people have told me when they hear the news of Millie "I couldn't imagine what you are going through" and to be honest, I would say the same thing to someone because I did say that when I would hear of tragic events such as losing a child. I also would say the same thing to someone who has lost a spouse, or a parent because you simply cannot imagine. The grief that we feel can be completely different from another family who has unfortunately lost a child as well, because everyone is different. My feelings are different than my husbands simply because our relationship with our daughter was different. But one thing that we both share is that we wish that no other parent would feel the heartbreak that we feel on an every day basis. This heartbreak will never go away, we will never get over it. We as a family have to learn how to heal together, continue life without her here but still carry her in our hearts and continue spreading her smile and story.
Some days are good. Some days are bad. But every day is hard without her. As hard as it is to wake up and carry on with our days, we do it. Amelia lived 10 extremely happy months. She was full of life, happiness and love because that is what she knew. We carry on because of her, she would not want us to do anything but what we are doing-all while working to help other families.
In the past 6 months, we have learned more about neuroblastoma than I thought ever possible, yet there is so much more to learn. We have grown as a family and a couple because we are in this together. I have gone to counseling. I have joined a barre studio. Kaden and I have gone on more adventures together in the past 6 months than we have gone on while we lived in Virginia for 3.5 years. I have learned a lot about myself and people who are supposed to be the closest to me. Friendships have grown stronger, relationships have dissolved. I am learning that taking care of myself is not selfish, and even if it is sometimes, its okay. I have jumped on doing fundraisers, John has started to train for a half Ironman that will take place this April for our sweet girl. I was able to share her story by writing an article for The Daily Mom that reached over 2,000 people. Kaden has been able to talk about his baby sister in Heaven to other people, family members and friends which has allowed more conversations to occur about how to give our kids grace and credit for their incredibly smart minds. Despite living every day in a constant nightmare, I can be thankful and grateful for what I do have. I know I can handle hard, and I can live through it. I was given the best daughter anyone could ever ask for, I'm just learning how to parent her differently now.
Our sweet girl is spreading awareness and raising money for other kids fighting the same disease she fought for her whole existence, even before she was born. She is still teaching me things even when she isn't here and I hope to share what I have learned with you all.